It’s been at least 20 years, but I can still see
her, still hear her. Looking professional in gray wool slacks and a blue
sweater, she spoke with quiet conviction. “I was so unhappy in my marriage. I
wanted to leave my husband, but I thought I should have a better reason than
general unhappiness. He wasn’t unfaithful. He didn’t hit me. He wasn’t verbally
abusive,” she added. “I wanted to leave,
but I felt like I needed something definitive. Each day I was measuring my
unhappiness.” Being on the fence was
exhausting, she said. She needed to make a decision. “Finally, I realized he
wasn’t committed to the marriage. That was reason enough! I felt so relieved.”
The woman talked about planning where she’d look for
an apartment, what furniture she’d take. She thought about the freedom she’d
have. She thought about how she’d find the perfect husband, and happiness would
be hers. Then another thought arose. “I realized I was the one who
wasn’t committed to the marriage. Maybe before I threw the towel in, I should
try being committed to the relationship.”
Among her complaints had been her husband’s
drinking. He’d given it up, going to 12-step meetings. Though she seldom went
to support group meetings herself, she did attend one the day after her new
resolve to try commitment. She described what she heard. “A woman at the
meeting talked about how she’d recently made a practice of focusing on her
husband’s good qualities instead of the ones she disliked. After some time, the negative qualities
receded, while the positive qualities came to the fore more often. I realized I
always focused on my husband’s shortcomings. I decided to adopt the practice of
gratitude for his good qualities.”
I was listening intently, waiting to hear how her
new eyesight was working. “That was 30 years ago,” the woman said.
I was stunned. I thought her insights were much more
recent.
“I learned I was responsible for my own happiness,”
the woman continued. “I learned by
loving the aspects of my husband I’d once found unlovable, I healed myself as
well as our relationship. I learned to love myself. In practicing gratitude, I
opened myself up to the love that had been there all along.”
It’s been many years since I’ve been in a romantic
relationship. I’ve learned, though, I can apply the revelations I heard that
day to any relationship whether it be work, family or neighbor. It isn’t always
easy. In fact, sometimes it feels almost impossible. I think of a former coworker
who made fun of her husband’s disability. I wanted to slap her! Every time I
saw her, I thought of the heartless comment she’d made. But as I wrote down her
good qualities each night, I realized her husband was a mirror and how she
treated him might reflect how she felt about herself.
Sometimes, all I could write was how she came to
work on time each day. But I noted when she stopped to chat with coworkers or
offered to help with a project. I don’t know if she ever treated her husband
differently, but she did become a kinder person at work. Or perhaps my vision
change helped me see the person who had been there all along.
It’s so automatic for some of us to zero in on the
negative. It’s such a groove in my brain. Making a gratitude list every night
has helped me make a new groove. Sure, the train of my mind still wants to jump
the track and get back in the old one. But I catch myself more often.
I can still hear the woman in blue sweater, “We have
a wonderful marriage.”